Pulso

Imagining a woman I like singing someone else’s chant is a heart warming habit I have, I think it makes my spirit breath in a bit of mana while I focus on the feeling rather than the words.
Imaginar una mujer que me gusta entonando un canto ajeno es un hábito reconfortante que tengo, creo que hace a mi espíritu respirar un poquito de maná mientras me enfoco en el sentir más que las palabras.

How would this sound with my voice for you? / ¿Como sonaría esto con mi voz para tí?

Once you pay attention or read the lyrics it works differently, I can either keep relating that song to the person I thought about initially or realize those words or the emotions conveyed fit better to someone else; even though the way people express their deep thoughts and sincere feelings is unique to each person, it’s sometimes inevitable to relate lyrics to someone/something personal; regardless of that voice being male or female.
Ya cuando pones atención o lees la letra funciona diferente, puedo ya sea seguir relacionando esa canción a la persona en que pensé inicialmente o caer en cuenta de que esas palabras o las emociones compuestas quedan mejor a alguien más; aunque la manera en que la gente expresa sus profundos pensamientos y sentimientos sinceros es única por persona, es a veces inevitable relacionar lírica a alguien/algo personal; sin importar si esa voz es masculina o femenina.

I was thinking about Ѯ the first time I listened to Elena Tonra’s voice. Now most of Daughter’s albums were removed from Mexico’s repertoire but back then, not sure if it was late 2012 or 2013, spotify had recently became available in México and I started to further explore music, everything was there.
Pensaba en Ѯ la primera vez que escuché la voz de Elena Tonra. Ahora la mayoría de los álbumes de Daughter fueron removidos del repertorio de México pero en aquel entonces, no estoy seguro si era finales de 2012 o 2013, spotify recién se había vuelto disponible en México y comencé a explorar más música, todo estaba ahí.

Seeing pictures of her with her niece and nephew after watching Daughter’s album cover got me again into daydreaming about having children at the time. I’ve noticed that my favorite photos of her are mostly the few ones she uploaded herself, as opposed to the ones where she was tagged in on the internet, her smile is just so radiant and she shows what she really cares about.
Ver fotos de ella con su sobrina y sobrino después de mirar la portada de album de Daughter me puso otra vez a disoñar sobre tener críos en aquel momento. He notado que mis fotos favoritas de ella son más bien las pocas que ella misma sube, contrario a las que fue etiquetada en internet, su sonrisa es simplemente tan radiante y luce lo que realmente le importa.

Heavenly. Can you blame me? / Celestial. ¿Pueden culparme?

Wondering how would her refreshing voice sound if she sang is another habit I've had since forever, maybe some of those brief blog posts she used to write?. I eventually read Daughter’s lyrics and was moved even deeper, and I also hoped she had never experienced such heart break as was reflected in some of those songs.
Marlumbrar cómo sonaría su refrescante voz si cantara es otro hábito que he tenido desde siempre ¿tal vez alguna de esas breves entradas de blog que ella solía escribir?. Eventualmente leí las letras de Daughter y fui conmovido aun más profundo, también esperancé que ella nunca hubiera experimentado tal coraruptura como se reflejó en algunas de esas canciones.

As time and life went on for all of us, I sometimes noticed new photos popping up on her facebook profile, her smile appearing a bit tainted, there were a couple of particular pictures that disturbed me, I prefer not to attach them here. It’s no secret that micro-expressions speak very loud about what is going on inside someone’s heart.
A como tiempo y vida continuó para todos nosotros, yo a veces noté nuevas fotos apareciendo en su perfil de facebook, su sonrisa aparentando un poco mancillada, hubo un par de fotos en particular que me perturbaron, prefiero no añadirlas aquí. No es secreto que las micro-expresiones hablan muy recio de lo que pasa dentro del corazón de alguien.

I love this one. / Esta la amo.

Cosmos, I wish for that pre-2012 Sunshine smile to be back on her face and soul, I will play my part into making it true, whatever the cost.

Cosmos, deseo que esa sonrisa Solar pre-2012 vuelva a su rostro y alma, jugaré mi parte en hacer que se vuelva realidad, a cualquier costo.

I don’t remember seeing miss Tonra’s picture until recently. This particular still, used as cover, made my spirit itch: something I couldn’t scratch at first but I was sure I’d seen that poignant contemplation on someone else’s pretty face before… many years ago:

No recuerdo haber visto foto de la Srita. Tonra hasta reciente. Este particular fotograma, usado como portada, causó comezón a mi espíritu: algo que no pude rascar al principio pero estaba seguro de que había visto esa compungida contemplación antes en la bonita cara de alguien más… hace muchos años:

As I played the concert recording, it came back to me; she even looks a bit similar to the girl she triggered in my memories, the way her mouth seems to be highlighted in a parenthesis shape traced by the gravity force of her cheeks makes you think she’s about to trust you with all of the vital secrets her soul is asking to eject with sincere pronunciation.
Al reproducir la grabación del concierto, volvió a mí; ella incluso se parece un poco a la niña que activó en mis memorias, la manera en que su boca parece estar resaltada en forma de paréntesis trazado por la fuerza de gravedad de sus mejillas te hace pensar que está a punto de confiarte todos los secretos vitales que su alma está pidiendo expulsar con sincera pronunciación.

ƒ … the quirky girl with witty taste in films, she could rent 3 movies more than 3 times per week and compared my poetry to some famous dude the day she finally made more than 3 phrases of conversation, to let me know she had been digging into me… a marvelous way to sweep aside the broken ice after almost one year of visiting the video store religiously. She proceeded to let me know she’d be attending the 2009 film fest and insisted she hoped to see me there; I was already going and watched a few more movies and we didn't stumble but that was the week the butterfly revival happened.

ƒ … la niña peculiar con ingenioso gusto en filmes, podía rentar 3 películas más de 3 veces por semana y comparó mi poesía a la de algún vato famoso el día que finalmente hizo más de 3 frases de conversación, para dejarme saber que anduvo indagando en mí… una maravillosa manera de barrer a un lado el hielo roto después de casi un año de visitar religiosamente la tienda de video. Prosiguió a dejarme saber que estaría asistiendo al festival de cine 2009 e insistió que esperaba verme ahí; yo ya estaba yendo y miré algunas películas más y no nos topamos pero esa fue la semana que la resucitación de mariposa ocurrió.

Considering I had felt like this since 2008's spring, that was a huge improvement.
Considerando que me había sentido así desde primavera 2008, fue una enorme mejora.

She visited so often I begun to expect seeing her clumsy pretty figure walking among the shelf corridors and her eyes on me as part of my day and started to miss her whenever she didn’t show up: anticipation of seeing her orange car arriving grew to the point I desired to see her every single day and I’d stare at the window wondering if she would be wearing her glasses or a clear face when she entered the store.
Ella visitaba tan seguido que comencé a esperar ver su bella torpe figura caminando entre los pasillos de repisas y sus ojos sobre mí como parte de mi día y comencé a extrañarle cuando sea que no aparecía, la anticipación de ver su auto naranja llegar creció al punto que deseaba verle en todo día y visfijaba por la ventana maravillando si ella usaría sus lentes o una cara despejada cuando entrara a la tienda.

And those shy glances she couldn’t help throwing at me while shuffling empty movie boxes searching for something that stimulated her imagination, morphed from funny to captivating to exhilarating and the day felt incomplete without her visit; a feeling that took months to gestate.
Y esas miradillas tímidas que ella no podía evitar echar sobre mí mientras barajaba las vacías cajas de películas buscando algo que estimulara su imaginación, transformaron de chistosas a cautivadoras a exhilarantes y el día se sentía incompleto sin su visita; un sentimiento que tomó meses en gestar.

The one girl that showed me her interest consistently for almost a year and surrounded me in such a romantic atmosphere at her home since our first date that I fooled myself into thinking that she was meant to stay, the first girl I kissed…

La niña que me mostró su interés consistente por casi un año y me envolvió en tan romántica atmósfera en su hogar desde nuestra primer cita que me engañé a pensar que significaba su permanencia, la primer niña que besé…

≈ . ≈ . ≈ …

— estoy un poco nervioso — such an understatement / tan atenuante enunciado
— ¿por qué? —
We were listening to some playlist she made, sitting at her home’s backyard on separate metal chairs after spending the evening sharing crêpes and smoothies at a restaurant where the waiters were friendly and the atmosphere was cozy.
Escuchábamos alguna lista musical que ella hizo, sentados en el patio trasero de su hogar en sillas metálicas separadas después de pasar la tarde compartiendo crepas y batidos en un restaurante donde los meseros son amigables y la atmósfera es acogedora.

≈≈≈…

There were "normal" tables and alternative floor level seating spots with cushions, the walls had spray painted designs and customers were welcomed to draw on some walls.
Había mesas “normales” y lugares de asiento alternativos a nivel del piso con cojines, las paredes tenían diseños pintados con pintura de atomizador y los clientes eran bienvenidos a dibujar en algunas paredes.

Pictures from actual restaurant’s menu / Fotos del menú del restaurante en sí

A screen was playing one of her favorite movies ‘The Triplets of Belleville’ in the background, she also confessed ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’ was another one of her favorite movies. Everything about her seemed wonderful to me, it's no surprise I was predisposed; I mean, this was the girl who had a months long crush on me, if I went into the records today I could still quickly calculate how much money she spent renting movies, and there she was opening her heart to me.
Una pantalla reproducía una de sus películas favoritas ‘ˆLas Trillizas de Bellevilleˆ’ en el fondo, ella también confesó que ‘ˆEl Diario de Bridget Jonesˆ’ era una de sus películas favoritas. Todo sobre ella me parecía maravilloso, no es sorpresa que estuviera predispuesto; es decir, esta era la niña quien tenía una fijación en mí de largos meses, si fuera a los registros hoy podría aún calcular cuanto dinero gastó rentando pelis, y ahí estaba abriendo su corazón a mí.

Adorable.

I’m not sure if the atmosphere had the effect of inducing people to be more intimate, it felt like it, or maybe she really wanted to start a relationship with a transparency approach; she interrogated me a bit too, told me she was glad I didn’t use drugs as all the other "cool kids" around us did, jeez, well I smoke a bit now. She cared because someone close to her was addicted to something and she had seen her going in and out of rehab.
   Her conversation showed she was aware of her role in being partly responsible for the happiness of her close family and some of her friends, I liked that fact a lot, such a kind woman.
No estoy seguro si la atmósfera tenía el efecto de inducir a la gente a ser más íntimos, así se sintió, o tal vez ella realmente quería iniciar una relación con un acercamiento de transparencia; también me interrogó un poquito, me dijo que le daba gusto que yo no usaba drogas como todos los demás “chicos cool” a nuestro rededor lo hacían, chale, bueno ahora fumo un poco. Le importaba porque alguien cercana a ella era adicta a algo y ella le había visto entrar y salir de rehabilitación.
   Su conversación mostraba que ella estaba consciente de su rol en ser parcialmente responsable de la felicidad de su familia cercana y algunos de sus amigos, ese factor me gustó mucho, tan tierna mujer.

At some point she said something about her bedroom.
En cierto punto ella dijo algo acerca de su recámara.
— me gustaría verla — I flirted / Coqueteé
— al rato te la muestro —
She countered, adding a heavenly smile. / Contraatacó, añadiendo una sonrisa celestial.

I was smacked by her boldness and asked for the bill very soon after. On top of that, she offered to pay for her part… you magical independent sexy you-you, illuminating women and being re§created by thüs.
Fui abofeteado por su osadía y pedí la cuenta muy pronto después. Encima de eso, ella ofreció pagar por su parte… tú tan mágica tú independiente sexy tú, iluminando mujeres y siendo re§creada por nüsotros.

…≈≈≈

That’s how we got to where I started the kiss story. A yard table served as a pretext to face each other in a convenient angle, the air smelled to end of summer rain, she crossed a leg in a way her new posture brought her blushing face closer to me, and she was playing with her loose shoe in the air.
Así fue como llegamos a donde comencé la historia del beso. Una mesa de patio servía de pretexto para estar de cara en ángulo conveniente, el aire olía a final de lluvia de verano, cruzó una pierna de manera que su nueva postura trajo su cara sonrojada más cerca de mí, y jugaba con su zapato suelto al aire.

— nunca he hecho esto —
I was starting to take off the confidence mask I wore.
Comenzaba a desvestir la máscara de confianza que yo usaba.
— hecho qué… ¿? — she smiled innocently / sonrió inocente

Her eyes vacillated and I felt good with one foot into vulnerability.
Sus ojos vacilaron y yo me sentí bien con un pie en la vulnerabilidad.
— bueno, no me refiero a lo que estamos haciendo, sino a lo que quiero hacer —
I leaned in a bit…
Me incliné un poco…
She leaned a bit too…
Ella se inclinó un poco también…
— ¿qué quieres hacer? —

Ø

Ø

— esto —
Reached and kissed her for so long I forgot my need of air.
Le alcancé y besé tan largo tiempo que olvidé mi necesidad de aire.

She grabbed my hand and pulled me to the living room where the music sounded better and started to dance with her arms around my neck resting on my shoulders and swaying her hips slowly, I was helpless and let her lead trying not to break the mood, she seemed prepared an wanted to be in control.
Ella tomó mi mano y me jaló a la sala donde la música sonaba mejor y comenzó a bailar con sus brazos en torno a mi cuello descansados sobre mis hombros y meneando sus caderas lento, yo estaba indefenso y la dejé guiar intentando no romper la atmósfera, ella parecía preparada y quería estar en control.

She gave me a series of fast short kisses.
Me dio una serie de rápidos besos cortos.
— ¿te gusta? —
— uy, claro que sí —
— les llamo micro besitos — so adorable! / ¡tan adorable!

She continued to deliver her majestic “micro besitos” while we danced for a couple more songs and barely talked 10 words, then she had to fix some issue with her portable mp3 player or the speakers, her arms felt like home and I missed home for the brief time she was away, then she came back to my arms and we danced some more, the device misbehaved a few more times but it didn't matter, it just gave us a pretext to bond in a different way.
Continuó entregando sus majestuosos “micro besitos” mientras bailamos un par de canciones más y apenas hablamos 10 palabras, luego tuvo que arreglar algún problema con su reproductor portátil de mp3 o las bocinas, sus brazos se sentían como el hogar y extrañé el hogar por el breve tiempo que ella estuvo lejos, luego volvió a mis brazos y bailamos un poco más, el aparato se malportó algunas veces más pero no importó, tan solo nos dio un pretexto para enlazarnos de diferente manera.

I knew I was in love
       at the time she came back
               to my arms.

Supe que estaba enamorado
       al tiempo que ella volvió
               a mis brazos.

She offered water and we went to the couch.
Ella ofreció agua y nos fuimos al sillón.
— gracias —
— ¿por el agua? —
— sí bueno, es que… me tratas bien bonito, ¿me das más agua? —
— me gustas mucho, sí se nota, ¿verdad? ¿a poco hay alguien que rente más películas que yo? —
— ni se te acercan, además rentas puras cosas bien padres, y tienes gustos amplios —
She arrived with another glass of fresh water, I don’t remember if sitting her on my legs was her own impulse or mine, I just remember I started to wonder if she was my oasis I had written about.
Ella llegó con otro vaso de fresca agua, no recuerdo si sentarla sobre mis piernas fue su propio impulso o el mío, tan solo recuerdo que comencé a marlumbrar si ella era mi oasis del cual había escrito.

— wow qué bonita piel tienes — such an understatement / tan atenuante enunciado
As my hands caressed her thighs and butt and my eyes tried to connect with hers, she was humping me and shaking her hips going incrementally wilder, then started to undress and I started to balance on the fine rope between panic and excitement.
Al tiempo que mis manos acariciaban sus muslos y trasero, y mis ojos intentaban conectar con los suyos, ella jorobaba en mí y sacudía sus caderas yendo incrementalmente salvaje, luego comenzó a desvestirse y yo comencé a balancear en la fina cuerda entre pánico y excitación.

She loosened the upper part of her dress, I hugged her tight, kissed her skin and lingered on that hug, not being sure about how far I was ready to go.
Se soltó la parte superior de su vestido, la abracé apretada, besé su piel y permanecí en ese abrazo, no estando seguro de qué tan lejos estaba listo para ir.
— qué pasa ¿estás bien? — she held my face towards hers / sostuvo mi rostro hacia el suyo
— sí, dame más micro besitos — she delivered / cumplió
I have no idea how I managed to remove her bra with no effort; I was predictably mesmerized by the sight of her breasts, petal nipples and all of the details and texture of her perfect skin.
No tengo idea de cómo logré remover su bra sin esfuerzo; fui predeciblemente mesmerizado por la vista de sus pechos, pezones en pétalo y todos los detalles y textura de su perfecta piel.

Using extravagant words to over-romantasize her body would be a disrespect to nature, in reality we animals keep it simple: in moments like this…

Usar palabras extravagantes para sobre-romantizar su cuerpo sería un desacato a la naturaleza, en realidad nosotros animales lo mantenemos simple: en momentos como este…

…what raptured my attention, clouded my reason, stirred my emotions and heightened my sensational feelings was how healthy you were… the soft sexy curves of your nearly fatty plumpy figure, all of the fresh smells of your young body, and your excited reciprocity to my presence displayed on your face expressions accentuated by those bewildered olive eyes of yours.
…lo que arrobó mi atención, nubló mi razón, revolvió mis emociones y realzó mis sentimientos sensacionales fue cuán saludable eras… las suaves curvas sexis de tu casi gordita figura rechonchita, todos los frescos aromas de tu cuerpo joven, y tu excitada reciprocidad a mi presencia mostrada por tus expresiones faciales acentuadas por esos aturrullados ojos oliva tuyos.

You stood to remove your panties but I was faster to put my hands on those…
Te paraste para remover tus pantis pero yo fui más rápido al poner mis manos en esas…

…you closed your eyes and moaned a bit while I removed them, feeling your exquisite legs from your tasty chubby hips to your delicate feet.
…cerraste tus ojos y gemiste poquito mientras las removí, sintiendo tus exquisitas piernas desde tus gordisabrosas caderas hasta tus delicados pies.

It’s amazing how writing about it made me relive how unrealistically beautiful you looked with your dress barely hanging at the waist, I think I actually remember its color, yellow, thick cotton.
Es asombroso cómo escribir al respecto me revivió cuán irrealmente hermosa te veías con tu vestido apenas colgando a la cadera, creo que recuerdo su color, amarillo, algodón grueso.

I took your standing as an opportunity to change your position, sideways on top of my lap, holding your back with one arm so I could kiss you while touching all of your delicious soft body.
Tomé tu levantar como una oportunidad para cambiar tu posición, de lado sobre mi regazo, sosteniendo tu espalda con un brazo para poderte besar mientras tocaba todo tu delicioso suave cuerpo.

The sensation of
a naked beauty embrace
getting warmer
steamier and wetter
demanding pleasure
has ever since been for me
better than dream revelation

La sensación de
una desnuda belleza abrazada
poniéndose más tibia
más vaporosa y húmeda
demandando placer
ha sido desde entonces para mí
mejor que revelación en sueño

Somehow I ended on my knees. I went from absolute celibate to kissing to hands to fingers to vagina kissing probably in a one hour span with the woman I found most desirable in the world at that time, and oh my goddess I loved it! and we were not nearly over.
De alguna manera terminé en mis rodillas. Pasé de absolutamente célibe a besos a manos a dedos a besar vagina probablemente en un lapso de una hora con la mujer que encontraba más deseable en el mundo en ese tiempo, y oh mi diosa ¡me encantó! y no estábamos cerca de haber terminado.

— hace rato dijiste que me ibas a enseñar tu cuarto —
— no sé, sí, es un desastre déjame limpiar —
— si quieres ¿qué tan mal puede estar? ni de chiste me voy a espantar —

She took like 30 seconds before letting me in, so I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.
Le tomó como 30 segundos antes de dejarme entrar, así que seguro no estaba tan mal.

Her room was very small yet pretty, there were many creative stuff decorating; and books, of course. But the jewelry she was making to sell and for her loved ones stood out. Her kindness quality stood up.
Su cuarto era chiquito aunque bonito, había muchas cosas creativas decorando; y libros, por supuesto. Pero la joyería que hacía para vender y para sus seres queridos resaltaba. Su cualidad gentil se elevaba.

Time wasn't exactly a concern but we wouldn't spend much talking: our chemistry was such and her multiple rich bodily scents kept the animal engaged. Ah… magical delicious you.
El tiempo no concernía exactamente pero no gastamos mucho hablando: nuestra química era tal y sus múltiples ricas esencias corporales sostuvieron enganchado al animal. Ah… mágica deliciosa tú.

We made out in bed a while longer and I flowed naturally to drink from her seashell again, on my knees embracing her cushioned ass; feeling the terse skin of her hot thighs around my face obsessed me…
Fajamos en su cama un rato más y flui naturalmente a beber su concha de nuevo, de rodillas abrazando su amortiguado culo; sentir la tersa piel de sus calientes muslos al rededor de mi cara me obsesionó…

…wrapped by your sensuality. We suddenly realized we had caught the attention of her kitty who started to fool around as if he wanted to be included in our loving session; he was eventually dispatched by her, it wasn’t bothering me, wasn’t even paying attention to it, it was a bit funny.
…envuelto por tu sensualidad. De pronto caímos en cuenta de que habíamos atrapado la atención de su gatito quien comenzó a juguetear como si quisiera unirse a nuestra sesión amorosa. Eventualmente fue despachado por ella, a mí no me molestaba, ni siquiera le estaba prestando atención, fue chistosillo.

— ya te cansaste ¿verdad? —
— un poquito, pero me encantas, no quiero parar —
I was emotionally exhausted.
Yo estaba emocionalmente exhausto.
— vente, luego seguimos — pulled me to her bed / me jaló a su cama
So now I laid resting beside her, she played a bit with my face.
Ahora yacía descansando junto a ella, jugó con mi rostro un poquito.
— ¿me puedo quedar a dormir? —
We barely fit her bed, just being there was delightful.
Apenas cabíamos en su cama, tan solo estar ahí era deleitoso.
— mmm µ bueno µ mi mamá no va a llegar hasta… —

I used to dream often about sleeping together with a loving woman as much as I dreamed about sex…
Yo solía soñar seguido con dormir juntos con una amorosa mujer tanto igual como soñaba con sexo…

…it was an unfulfilled fantasy and it still is one of my favorite things to do in all of space-time.
…era una fantasía incumplida y aún es una de mis cosas favoritas para hacer en todo el espacio-tiempo.

Watching her breath in and being welcomed in her sleep was superb.
Mirarla respirar y ser bienvenido en su dormir fue superior.

I knew I wanted to love her forever
     by the time I woke up before dawn…
           saw her dreaming next to me and hugged her
                 before going back to sleep.

Supe que quería amarla para siempre
     para cuando desperté antes del amanecer…
           la vi soñando junto a mí y la abracé
                 antes de volver a dormir.

I just didn’t realize that was going to become a problem.
Yo tan solo no caí en cuenta de que eso se convertiría en un problema.

… ≈ . ≈ . ≈

I’m writing about her because my heart asked for it after the cosmos had been hinting that it wasn’t fair nor kind to mention her so briefly as my first romance and then to dismiss her just as being a coward character.
Estoy escribiendo sobre ella porque mi corazón lo pidió después de que el cosmos estuvo sugiriendo que no fue grato ni gentil mencionarla tan brevemente como mi primer romance y luego desecharla como si tan solo fuera un personaje cobarde.

As short as our time together might have been, she was so much more meaningful to me than I cared to admit, and she was actually a great woman.

Por más corto que nuestro tiempo juntos pueda haber sido, ella fue mucho más significativa para mí de lo que admití, y era ciertamente una mujer grandiosa.

…æ 13,862,217,519.03.11

I had been avoiding to mention it: but I've been noticing signs of your atemporal presence here and there,, and every time I go for a walk I see a compact car passing by, in the same orange tone of that one you had, always the same car,, one time, recently arrived to this neighborhood, they waved hello…
Había estado evitando mencionarlo: pero he estado notando señales de tu presencia atemporal aquí y allá,, y cada vez que salgo a caminar veo pasar un auto compacto, en el mismo tono naranja de aquel que tenías, siempre el mismo auto,, una vez, recién llegado a esta colonia, me saludaron…

…æ

One deeply charming factor of dating ‘ƒ’ was that even when we didn’t go all the way on our first night, felt as if she thought we would have all the time in the world for anything later [and we did, didn't we?]. We had a nice hot romantic time and she wasn’t in a hurry to fuck. A bit awkwardly but we did it later.

I didn’t stay “a virgin” that long because religious ideas but because I was looking for real love for so long that I wouldn’t just do it with any random date, and I feel a bit like a virgin every time I start a new relationship.
I can’t help to make a grimace remembering how furious ‘ɣ’ got when she found out Mr. Virgin didn’t think she loved him, and I put a stop to our mutual advances, pushing her gently away from bed on a valentine’s day, Շ would confirm I was right, she wasn’t close to loving me after months of an open relafriendship and my 2 attempts to kiss her and my attempts to keep her away from me.

Just like ‘ɣ’ and all other women I ever dated, ‘ƒ’ never asked if I was a virgin and I wasn’t sure I wanted to explain how come I was new at sex.
   That would mean telling the stories of the ones who were close to have me, some of which I still keep somewhere in my heart; Yes including you, the mischievous one who liked to hug me as a pretext to grab my butt in public, whom also jumped on top of me on a couch and kept sending facebook pokes after leaving the country.
   Or going over the stories of how I had to develop a skill to evade girls holding quick n’ easy intentions but no love, chasing after me in college because teachers liked me and they used to tell female students I was ¨a good catch¨ [the fish comparisons go on] right in front of me, at the cost of my invisible cringe:
   The smart and seemingly talented guy will surely have a bright future to share, right? Ha! we didn’t have any idea of the "mechanisms" keeping me just barely above the poverty line, I absolutely _HATE_ being looked at as some sort of acquisition: anyone not able to engage the soul in, behind, on front of and around my eyes… won’t be able to engage with my love. I suppose it was a good thing that I "decided" to become fairly wealthy before having any children since I was a child myself, and more importantly, to surround myself with real love.

When ƒ and I had our second date, there was something in the air interfering already but I didn’t pay much attention to it, was that a mistake? maybe, but it was barely noticeable. Her sister was home, hmm whatever, I won’t blame 2009 Jorge for not wanting to worry. It was our first date what was most important to me so I’ll leave this story there.

Even when ƒ didn’t answer the phone and then completely shut me out after one single call she answered just to leave my mind throttling with a few ambiguous phrases she threw at me before hanging up, I can no longer blame her considering how heavily under surveillance I’ve been since I was born.
   It is hard to evaluate how much and in what ways Sisyphus might have influenced my angels’ lives. She had the decency to end it in person many days later when it was already obvious it was over:
She arrived in her orange car and I knew what was coming, I went outside to the parking lot and just allowed her to talk while feeling numb and guilty for not telling her I was inexperienced; she wasn’t explaining anything.

Regretting letting her know I was in love by gifting her a silly poem days before was… I… as if that had anything to do with what was going on… she didn’t say much at all so I still didn’t understand what went SO WRONG she didn’t want to know anything about me anymore.
I felt heart broken of _abysmal_ degree, I had to tell her to get rid of this feeling of dishonesty, someone had to start clearing things out, so I did:
— lo siento tal vez me enamoré muy rápido, me siento muy mal, solo para que lo sepas, fue mi primera vez, por eso me puse así medio intenso con todas esas llamadas —
— ay ¡¿por qué no me dijiste?! que importa no es eso, ay no vas a entender, mejor lo dejamos así —
— ya, está bien, adiós, ni creas que me vas a ver toda la vida trabajando aquí — I felt little and wanted to run away

As much as I tried to pay attention I lost interest when I saw she had her mind made up, I’m sure I don’t remember well our exact words, I just wanted her to… I don’t know, to tell me she was sorry for pushing me away? to tell me she needed help? to tell me the truth! to grab and force my hands into holding her face not allowing me to walk back to work? yeah, something like that… but she didn’t want me to touch her or even come closer than a couple meters apart.

I’ve been thinking if she might have been right to be afraid and I didn’t understand what she was going through… nah, I don’t know.
   I’m not a hundred percent sure but I’m good at detecting when someone is scared, it just seemed as if she had heard something disgusting about me, there’s a difference, and for some reason she believed it; the not-wanting-me-near was a telltale sign. Whatever the case I felt right becoming angry after days of crying sad, I called λ one of those days and she noticed something was up with my voice, I didn’t explain a thing, guess I only made her worry:
⇜ te escuchas raro, ¿cómo estás tú? ⇝
— no me siento bien, pero se me va a pasar, espero… necesitaba escuchar tu voz porque me calma, platícame algo porfa—

…that phone call was the last time I heard λ’s voice…

I once told λ I suspected my heart was made of obsidian.

ƒ contacted me over chat days later and kept going in circles, I lost my patience and don’t remember well what I told her to paint my character black and definitely push her away, something about Dexter and serial killers, it was really dumb.

Months later, some of my friends took me to a party that turned out to be happening at ƒ’s parents’, I kinda felt like an intruder being there, but the memories kept me wishing she showed up, she was not around or who knows, maybe she hid at the sight of me.
   A group of women having a conversation and laughing around her parent’s table attracted me to stay and listen, I tried to introduce myself but they couldn’t care less about me, they didn’t even pretend. I stayed anyway, noticed the "alpha" status was attained by whomever was the more skilled female at wrapping sadness with charming paper and dismissing men; cynicism, sarcasm, pessimism, "badassery", superfluous views of "winning" in relationships and competition for higher ground dominated… I left the room wondering if they were friends with ƒ wishing they were not, but I knew for a fact at least one of them was.

I spent the rest of the evening at the place she gave me her last fond kiss, where I also gave her that silly poem I wrote making sure it rhymed, inspired by the 3 lovely words that built her name, it sounded so over-the-top corny while reading it haha.
   So there I was on the porch just above the entrance stairs, disconnected from everyone, hesitating about leaving the party without telling anyone, as it has been my specialty since college. Walking or driving alone -specially at night- is a practice to clear my mind and digest where I’m heading for.

I don’t disappear to play mr. interesting but because I find it rude to tell a bunch of fun-having people that I need to be alone away from them. But the thought of that being possibly the last occasion I’d be close to her kept me there, contemplating the space around and the space above, memorizing without trying and staring at the horizon at times.

There were people occupying the wall/bench where her memory sat barefoot petting her cat, talking about architecture and later reading some book and smiling at me while I left in the morning after sleeping together our first night.

.
.
.

She had stopped renting films almost entirely since the break up, it seemed as if she knew when I wasn’t working, I stumbled upon her 3 or more times visiting work on my rest day.
The few times I stumbled upon her again there and elsewhere, I would cordially say hello but she had a look on her face that I wasn’t sure how to interpret; resembling a mixture of regret, nostalgia, frustration and hesitation, and then she just minded her own business.

However, she did attend to my farewell special movie projection night more than a year later: half a year after Ѯ left town [just days after I fell for her], after ∆ and others; when I announced I was leaving Videodromo and moving to Guadalajara in late 2010.

After the film, she gave me that look again for a microsecond and then sneaked out.
— gracias por venir — I shouted breaking the conversation I was having with a group of friends, I’m not sure if she heard me as she exit the room.

That look on ƒ ’s face combined with some appearances by her sister made me wonder maybe her sister had something to do with the drama; considering she displayed symptoms of having a crush on me too.
   She even visited the store playing mysterious once, hinting some storyline in relation to a movie called ‘Wicker Park’ which I later watched to find out the plot involves some lady making serious efforts to keep two lovers apart so she might have a chance to win the affection of the protagonist. She said her favorite character was Rose Byrne’s and then left the store;
Byrne’s character named Alex, the deluded obsessed trouble maker. I didn’t know what to think… maybe she had heard that I like being stalked by girls before being approached or maybe she was trying to help, hinting someone else told her sister lies… I had been frequently betrayed before, it wasn’t by any means the first time someone poisoned the mind of someone I cared about, -god!- but this was a whole new level of life messing for me.
Being stalked is kinda sweet, being sabotaged like that is horribly hurtful; isn’t that obvious?

I love love loooove the ending meeting.

All of that drama made me remember there have been a few apologetic messages popping up from songs every once in a while, the most vibrant came from a song all I remember about is that it says "I lied and said that you were mine". Was this person the one warping time around me preventing me from meeting Ѯ? Their power is under control now. I’ll post the link here whenever it comes up again.

Found it, hmm… isn’t it the same video from the pic of my desk I took the other day?

Past events had shown me just how dangerous it is to let people influence the perception of you, the closer a person is to you the more damage they can do. And recent events have shown me how family can more easily influence your life and decisions in disastrous ways, specially if there was premeditation. Family is supposed to want the best for you but individuals tend to be selfish. The way we act or react to their opinions and "plans" is our own responsibility, we are the ones that will ultimately live with the consequences.
   Anyways, how could I know her sister’s intentions? it felt like there was not much to be gained in clarifying the mystery after so many months of not knowing a thing from her in person, and I knew she loved her sister, didn’t want to ruin their relationship. Plus, I was already into other women; had met Ѯ, was occasionally reading her blog, ‘Թ’ and I always answered each other’s calls to hang out and went through a relationship with ‘∆’.

This movie comes to mind whenever I think of finding lost love… huh, bruises.

Today I realized I haven’t actually watched the triplets movie, probably because I didn’t want to spend 80mins thinking about heartbreak in the back of my mind, I know it might be silly but I would only watch that movie in company of her if we ever get to be friends again, or in company of someone who loves me deeply and I love back, so ƒ’s ghost of the past wouldn’t be able to be spawned, fades away forever and the film becomes enjoyable.

People enter and leave our lives but their impressions remain, I couldn’t help to relate Mint Julep to ƒ every time I’d watch this video, I’ve recently wondered if her trans-temporal self was waving hello when it arrived to me in 2012; hinting she knew I was in love with the sea, requesting not to be forgotten.

The universe protects me from
everything but my own
drive to experience humanity.

Wounds heal
writing about it helps for me.
This one is coming along.