For us

Admito que desde el principio supe exactamente porqué Sísifo se empeñó tanto en sabotear mi interés por Ѯ.
I admit to have known since the start why exactly Sisyphus insisted so much in sabotaging my interest for Ѯ.

π π π
… creen que si Ѯ dijera:
«~ quiero que seas mío y solo mío ~»
voy a exclamar que sí …
… they believe if Ѯ said:
«~ I want you to be mine and just for myself ~»
I'll exclaim with a yes …
π π π

æ…

∞ no me dejes, ámame a mí también ∞ / ∞ don't leave me, love me too ∞
§ no me dejes, ámame a mí también § / § don't leave me, love me too §
I've listened those phrases both by reading your minds and by allowing you to send me your thoughts.
He escuchado esas frases tanto leyendo sus mentes y permitiendo que me manden sus pensamientos.

* words keep flowing unpredictably out from me in both english and spanish since weeks ago
las palabras me siguen fluyendo impredecibles tanto en inglés como español desde hace semanas *
…æ

Y probablemente tienen buenos motivos para sus sospechas, dado mi historial de amores; encima de eso, hace unos días llegó la respuesta a mí, inspiración deliciosa e infantil:
And you probably have good motives for your suspicions, given my love record; on top of that, a few days ago the answer arrived to me, delicious and infantile inspiration:
ø~ tú, tú y tú para siempre y nadie más ~ø / ø~ˆ you, you and you forever and no one else ˆ~ø

Es lo que seguramente le habría dicho a la mujer que más me ama, no me podría resistir.
It surely is what I would've said to the woman who loves me the most, I wouldn't be able to resist.

Pensar en esa posibilidad hace unos días cuando inicié esta entrada en el testamento, me provocó experimentar un tremendo escalofrío, casi como orgasmo espiritual. Y puedo predecir que, si mi naturaleza fuera ser monógamo, lo habría hecho obedeciendo tu deseo como mi propio mandato divino.
   El temor de algunos es que eso significaría que el resto del mundo se iría al carajo, lo cual es desatinado, sería parecido a decir que si un grupo de astronautas se va a Marte, toda la tierra queda desolada, absurdo.
Thinking of that possibility a few days ago when I started this testament entry, provoked me to experience a tremendous shiver, almost like a spiritual orgasm. And I can predict that, if my nature was being monogamous, I'd done it obeying your wishes as my own divine mandate.
   The fear of some is that it would mean the rest of the world would go fuck themselves, which is inaccurate, that would be similar to say that if a group of astronauts go to Mars, the whole earth would be desolated, absurd.

æ… July 7, 5am (+Jan 21-22 2019)

Siendo muy sincero; desde antes de conocer mi identidad, siempre alcé a mis mujeres a una dimensión de divinidad, y no me refiero a lo que hacen los chavos hoy en día, eso de llamarle "diosas" a cualquier mujer dotada de natural belleza física otorgada por mi universo; Sino que, siempre busqué a alguien que me adorara con la misma devoción que yo confiero, hasta la fecha rara vez he visto el mismo interés.
   Aunque ya hemos estado muy cerca, ahora creo que no puedo esperar que alguien haga las mismas locuras que yo hago por ellas, eso es tal vez una confirmación de que no hay diosa superior a las demás, y eso está bien, mis ángeles son divinas y han hecho cosas increíbles por mí, prefiero protegerlas más y es natural exponerme de manera sobrenatural para cuidarlas a todas. Espero que ninguna las etiquete como “las favoritas”; nadie debería sorprenderse por lo cerca de mi corazón que las sostengo a ellas.
   Quiero mis sonrisas de 2008 de vuelta, quiero mis sonrisas de 2009, quiero mi sonrisa de 2006 y la de 2002, la de 1998, la de 1994, 1990… Quien me conozca en persona entenderá, quiero volver y recuperar todo lo que nos han privado. Le he tenido tanta fe a Ѯ que creí que sería capaz de evocar todas esas sonrisas y emociones en mí, aun lo quiero creer. La extraño tanto. Y también es verdad que otras chicas han echado a volar mi ilusión. Entre todas las mujeres que me han expresado su interés, hay dos con quien no he coincidido directamente, pero sospecho que me están leyendo debido a todas las coincidencias surgiendo a mi rededor a través del tiempo. Las chicas de Abril.
Being very sincere; since before I knew my identity, I always lifted my women to a dimension of divinity, and I don't mean like chumps nowadays do, going around calling "goddess" any woman gifted with natural physical beauty granted by my universe; in contrast, I always searched for someone who adored me with the same devotion I bestow, up to date I rarely have seen the same interest.
   Although we have been very close, I now think that I can't expect for anyone to do the same crazy stuff I do for them, that's maybe a confirmation that there is no goddess superior to the others, and that's ok, my angels are divine and have done incredible deeds for me, I prefer to protect them more and it is natural for me to be supernaturally exposed to take care of you all. I expect no one to label them as “the favorites”; no one should be surprised about how close to my heart I hold them.
   I want my 2008 smiles back, want my 2009 smiles, want my 2006 smiles and 2002's, the 1998 one, the one from 1994, 1990… Whomever knows me in person will understand, I want to be back and recover everything they have deprived us from. I've had so much faith in Ѯ that I thought she'd be capable of evoking all of those smiles and emotions in me, I still want to believe it. I miss her so much. And it's also true that other girls have set my illusion in flight. Among all the women that have expressed their interest, there are two with whom I haven't coincided directly, but I suspect they're reading me due to the coincidences popping up around me through time. The April girls.

Por mi parte, presiento que Ѯ no me pediría que abandonara a nadie, ella no haría eso ya que ella misma ha sido responsable de muchas de las coincidencias que provocaron que fantaseara a otras mujeres como la posible niña dios, comunicándose a través de su identidad trans-temporal y reforzando sus mensajes a través de su existencia original.
I for one have a feeling that Ѯ wouldn't ask me to abandon anyone, she wouldn't do that given that she's been responsible for many coincidences provoking me to fantasize about other women as the potential godly girl, communicating through her trans-temporal identity and reinforcing her messages through her original self.

Yo no lo podía creer, yo pensaba que mi reciente apertura al poliamor era un desvarío pues desde joven yo siempre había querido pertenecer a una sola niña, si yo soy dios, lo lógico sería que se cumpliera ese sueño mío. Al parecer no fue un desvarío, y la fisión de Dios es más compleja de lo que pensé al inicio.
I could not believe it, I thought my recent opening to polyamory was nonsense because since very young I always wanted to belong to a single girl, if I am god, the logical thing would be for that dream of mine to become true. It appears it wasn't nonsense, and God's fission was more complex from what I initially thought.

Calificar mi amor por Ѯ como absurdo fue algo a lo que recurrí porque casi ni hemos convivido juntos, pero ahora me consta que lo que puedo leer en los ojos de las personas es verdad, ya no puedo decir que mi amor por ella sea absurdo, sino destino. Y una de las cosas que me haría más feliz es verla feliz. Le pretendí durante años manteniendo distancia debido a todo ese historial de criminales acosándome y mi deseo de cambiar al mundo sin involucrar a quienes amo, pensando que así les protegía, fue extremadamente doloroso.
Qualifying my love for Ѯ as something absurd was something to which I resorted because we haven't even hanged out together at all, but now that I know for sure what I see in other people's eyes is true, I can no longer say that my love for her is absurd, but destiny. And one of the things that would make me happy the most would be to see her happy. I courted her during years keeping a distance due to all that record of criminals harassing me and my wish to change the world without involving those who I love, thinking I was protecting you this way, it was extremely painful.

you wanted to disappear and disappoint everybody…
       …so they wouldn't follow you into the fire

Aún así, estando consciente de mi motivación para mantener distancia de los demás. Me he lamentado no haber actuado con más determinación… especialmente esa noche de tu despedida en 2009.
Even so, being conscious about my motivation to keep distance from other people. I've regretted not having acted with determination… specially during your 2009 farewell night.

He vuelto a vivir y revivir en mi imaginación tantas veces el momento en el que te acompañé abajo a despedir a unos invitados: mi mente me decía que no estabas segura de irte, yo quería tomarte del brazo, arrebatar tu atención girándote de un estironcillo y besarte. Decirte lo que estaba batallando para reservarme:
I've lived and relieved in my imagination so many times that moment in which I escorted you down to dispatch a few guests: my mind was telling me you weren't sure about leaving, I wanted to take you by the arm, snatch your attention spinning you with a little pull and kiss you. Telling you what I was struggling to keep inside:
— no te vayas por favor quédate conmigo -…
Y probablemente al soltar eso
And probably after releasing that
…- quédate conmigo te lo ordeno -…
le habría seguido con sincero reclamo
I would go on with a sincere claim
…- quédate conmigo es un mandato divino -…
Convertir esa chispa de interés en flama inmortal.
To turn that spark of interest into an immortal flame.
…- quédate conmigo hazme tu dios… —

Pero no lo dije, ni siquiera lo pensé con ese deseo divino que concede a mi favor. Charlé también con algunos invitados, personas agradables, luego terminé en el balcón platicando por el resto de la noche con Max, a quien le confesé cuan encantado estaba por ella y el pesar que me causaba su partida.
   Ella se mantuvo ocupada atendiendo invitados, la noche siguió y la dejé ir… la vida había demostrado ya demasiadas veces que tenía otros planes para mí. Ya estaba manteniendo distancia de todos incluyendo ∆ después de nuestra primer amigable cita, no debía arrastrar a alguien más hacia ese destino que me acechaba desde las sombras. Pero ∆ estando en la ciudad y deseándome tanto como lo hacía, desbarató mis defensas heroicamente.
But I didn't say it, didn't even thought about it with that divine desire that grants on my favor. I chatted with some guests too, nice people, then I ended up at the balcony talking with Max for the rest of the night, to whom I confessed how enchanted I was for her and the grief her departure caused me.
   She kept busy tending guests, the night went on and I let her go… life had proven too many times already that there were other plans for me. I was already keeping distance from everyone including ∆ after our first amicable date, I shouldn't drag someone else towards that destiny stalking me from the shadows. But ∆ being in town and desiring me as much as she did, dismantled my defenses heroically.

La última vez que Ѯ expresó interés, fue 2010 después que rompí con ∆ y por un momento sentí… que ella podría haber venido a salvarme con esa visita espontánea durante el huracán Alex(↗) que ha sido el huracán más destructivo que Monterrey ha visto y coincidió con ambos al rompimiento con ∆ y también a la semana de cumpleaños de Ѯ.

   Y no era la primera vez que ella se aparecía en mi vida justo después de una de esas rupturas que coincidieron con tormentas, la vez previa fue huracán Rick(↗), otro considerado como uno de los más destructivos en la historia registrada; además coincidiendo con una de las temporadas de huracanes más numerosa que Florida ha visto… después de que ƒ revolcó mi corazón virgen. En esa vez anterior, Ѯ hizo su primera aparición en mi vida e incluso pronunció palabras que yo asimilé como sobrenaturales, palabras simples que había escuchado antes.

The last time Ѯ expressed interest, was 2010 right after I broke up with ∆ and for a moment I felt… that she could've come to save me with that spontaneous visit during hurricane Alex(↗) which has been the most destructive hurricane Monterrey has ever seen and coincided with both ∆'s break up and Ѯ's birthday week.
   It wasn't the first time she had made an appearance just after one of those breakups that coincided with storms, the previous time had been hurricane Rick(↗), another one considered one of the most destructive in recorded history; also coinciding with one of the most numerous hurricane seasons Florida has ever seen… after ƒ had roughed up my virgin heart. At that previous time, Ѯ made her first appearance in my life and even pronounced words that I assimilated as supernatural, simple words I had heard before.

…æ

æ… July 7, 1pm after resting

I went to sleep longing for your presence, thinking about that meeting and the events mentioned in those latest words I wrote. I woke up thinking about my first “girlfriend”, not a serious relationship, a childish whim, I was 6 or 7, she was probably 4 or 5, don't recall well. I sometimes remember her when I think about that question Ѯ asked me at the end of the first night we talked, with a hard to describe demeanor: squinting her eyes, inhaling, hesitating, as if she expected some revelation, a bit concerned, understandably so.
   At the same time, her mind appeared to be telling me that if I said «yes» she would probably dismiss me, I chose my words very carefully and I was being very sincere. I later found out why my words hit a soft spot.
Me fui a dormir anhelando tu presencia, pensando en ese encuentro y los eventos mencionados en esas palabras más recientes que escribí. Me desperté pensando en mi primer “novia”, no fue una relación seria, una niñería, yo tenía 6 o 7, ella probablemente tenía 4 o 5, no recuerdo bien. A veces la recuerdo cuando pienso en esa pregunta que Ѯ me hizo al final de la primer noche que hablamos, con entonación difícil de describir: entrecerrando los ojos, inhalando, titubeando, como si esperara alguna revelación, un poco inquieta, comprensiblemente.
   Al mismo tiempo su mente parecía decirme que si yo decía «sí» ella probablemente me descartaría, elegí mis palabras muy cuidadosamente y yo estaba siendo muy sincero. Después me enteré por qué mis palabras golpearon una fibra sensible.

æ… July 7
This morning my mom noted that the radio tuner has been changing by itself from her favorite station 97.9 'ˆMelodic Formulaˆ' to 91.7 which is just static noise here in Guadalajara, that frequency band might transmit some nice music elsewhere. Maybe even a message.
Esta mañana mi mamá notó que el sintonizador de la radio se ha estado cambiando por sí solo de su estación favorita 97.9 'Formula Melódica' al 91.7 que solamente es ruido estático aquí en Guadalajara, esa banda de frecuencia podría transmitir música agradable en algún otro lado. Tal vez incluso un mensaje.

I find it pleasing that 'ˆMelodic Formulaˆ' hasn't changed one bit, they've kept the same format and are still using all of the same audio clips. They keep playing music that was popular in México at past decades: Angélica María, Luis Miguel, Roberto Carlos, etc.
Encuentro placentero que 'Fórmula Melódica' no ha cambiado ni poquito, han mantenido el mismo formato y aún usan todos los mismos clips de audio. Siguen reproduciendo música que era popular en México en décadas pasadas: Angélica María, Luis Miguel, Roberto Carlos, etc.

Some songs reminded me again just how much I want you here with me… well, I guess these days most things make me think of you. Once you arrive, I'll probably won't be able to be apart from you for days and days, I want to spend a few days in bed, just being close to you, kissing, sleeping, cuddling, snuggling; I don't even want to watch movies [but we can if you want], just spend time memorizing every single detail of your voice and face, like the dimple I've already memorized, just bellow your lips and above your chin, and the way your mouth draws a flower bud blossoming, remarking your lips at the center.
Algunas canciones me recordaron nuevamente cuan demasiado te quiero aquí conmigo… bueno, supongo que estos días la mayoría de las cosas me hacen pensar en tí. Una vez que llegues, probablemente no me será posible separarme de tí por días y días, quiero pasar algunos días en cama, simplemente cerca de tí, besando, durmiendo, abrazados, acurrucados; ni siquiera quiero ver películas [pero podemos si quieres], simplemente pasar tiempo memorizando cada detalle de tu cara y voz, como el hoyuelo que ya me sé de memoria, justo debajo de tus labios y sobre tu barbilla, y la manera en que tu boca dibuja un capullo floreciendo, resaltando tus labios al centro.

Back to what I was saying. Having breakfast listening to that music while talking with mom and watching outside the window, there's the 'libro' pine tree that got me making perfume and thinking about my childhood years.
De vuelta a lo que decía. Desayunaba escuchando esa música mientras hablaba con mamá y mirando fuera por la ventana, hay un árbol de pino 'libro' que me puso a hacer perfume y a pensar en mis años de infancia.

The memory of that girl has been more present lately because the gated community where my brother is renting this house reminds me a lot of that other one where we lived for about 4 years, 'Villas del Tepeyac' from 1990 to early 1994, my mom had planted my favorite type of pine tree at the front yard, she said it would eventually look like a christmas tree, but it didn't have the chance to get that big. There are lots of them here and they do look like christmas trees, there's even a 'Hugo' friend across the street, I've been feeling a bit like a kid too, Malek is depicted like a kid sometimes.
El recuerdo de esa niña ha estado más presente últimamente porque el coto cerrado donde mi hermano está rentando esta casa me recuerda mucho a ese otro donde viví casi 4 años, 'Villas del Tepeyac' desde 1990 hasta inicios de 1994, mi mamá plantó mi tipo favorito de pino en el jardín frontal, dijo que eventualmente se vería como un árbol de navidad, pero no tuvo oportunidad de crecer tanto. Hay muchos de esos aquí y sí se ven como árboles de navidad, incluso hay un amigo 'Hugo' cruzando la calle, me he estado sintiendo un poco como un plebe también, Malek es representado como un plebe a veces.

— ¿crees en Dios? —
— sí, creo que sí —
— ¿quieres ser mi novio? —

— õ_Õ mmm, µ bueno µ —
— eeek! somos novios! —

The next day she had a new concern.
Al día siguiente ella tenía una nueva inquietud.

— mi mamá quiere saber de qué religión eres para darme permiso —
— ¿cómo? a veces voy a misa, no me gusta mucho porque me aburro -…
|… c_c …|
…- pero una vez me vestí de angelito para un desfile —
— ¡qué padre! …entonces eres -…
|… n_n …|
…- ahorita vengo, le voy a preguntar algo a mi mamá —

— ajá… —
,
,
,

,
,
,
— ¿en tu iglesia hay un Cristo con las manos juntas "así" o separadas "así"? —

— mmm está en una cruz bien triste "así" -…

…- pero creo que también hay de los otros que dices —

— bueno mejor pregúntale a tu mamá—
+ ran to my house / corrí a mi casa +
— mamá ¿de qué religión somos? —
— católicos apostólicos romanos —
— ah, y eso ¿qué significa? —
— […bla bla bla…] —

We didn't spend much time together, she would follow me around and sometimes it was a bit annoying, specially one day I recall my friends and I were climbing the box of a stake body truck and she was calling for my attention from down on the ground, I just ignored her rolling my eyes, haha, I did take care of her but I was not the best boyfriend.
   My brothers, friends and I would sometimes stick tape to her parents' house ringer bell switch and run to hide until they came out to stop the noise, sorry, it was fun; though it got old fast anyways. I don't remember her saying good bye, they just disappeared after a couple of months.
   I've been trying to recall her name to no avail, but I remember it had something to do with sunny weather and nature or maybe even the sea, it rings a bell because I also liked her cousin 'Abril' which is an easier to remember name -made me think of easter and a cartoon character- and their names shared semantic fields at least in my mind, the most vivid memory I have of them is one in which they were playing in an inflatable water pool and it made me wish we were at the beach. I've been wondering if her name was 'Ѯ' actually, wishful thinking haha.
No pasamos mucho tiempo juntos, ella me seguía a todos lados y a veces era un poco molesto, especialmente un día recuerdo que mis amigos y yo estábamos escalando la caja de una camioneta de redilas y ella pedía mi atención desde el suelo, simplemente la ignoré volteando los ojos, jaja, sí la cuidaba pero no fui el mejor novio.
   Mis hermanos, amigos y yo a veces le pegábamos cinta al botón del timbre de la casa de sus padres y corríamos a escondernos hasta que salían a detener el ruido, lo siento, era divertido; aunque se choteó muy rápido. No recuerdo haber dicho adios, ella simplemente desapareció después de un par de meses.
   He estado intentando recordar su nombre sin éxito, pero recuerdo que tenía algo que ver con clima soleado y naturaleza o tal vez incluso el mar, me suena porque también me gustaba su prima 'Abril' que es un nombre más fácil de recordar -me hacía pensar en la pascua y en un personaje de caricaturas- y sus nombres compartían campo semántico al menos en mi mente, el recuerdo más vívido que tengo de ellas es uno en el que estaban jugando en una alberca inflable y me hizo desear estar en la playa. De hecho me he estado preguntando si su nombre era 'Ѯ', pensamiento ilusorio jaja.

I guess I'm telling the story because those were some of my favorite years, and also because I was reflecting on how being committed to a person carries society's constructs and expectations. And for some, desiring and loving more than one person comes very natural when you become interested in romance, even way before one becomes interested in sex.
Supongo que estoy contando la historia porque esos fueron algunos de mis años favoritos, y también porque estaba reflexionando sobre cómo estar comprometido a una persona carga con las expectativas y los construcciones sociales. Y para algunos, desear y amar a más de una persona surge muy natural cuando empezamos con interés en el romance, incluso mucho antes de que uno se interese en el sexo.

Wonderful it is indeed the way our psique ends up building our values and gathering the memories we treasure. Not too soon after that we left and relocated up north, but I was always yearning to come back to Guadalajara, I loathed Tamaulipas.
   A few years ago I went back to the school I used to attend, where I liked 2 different Claudias and a girl named Alicia whom gave me some pretty cute memories and a poignant motive to miss this city, she still is a friend now and has a beautiful family.
   But a different kid girl made a long lasting impression on that sidewalk and I had been thinking about her when I visited the building of my old institute 'Juan Ruiz de Alarcón' where they sell school uniforms now. I visited again a couple of months ago following my goddess' signals… being standing right there on the sidewalk I kept thinking about her words from a time when I stepped on an insect and she, a stranger, intervened complaining immediately:
Maravilloso es ciertamente la manera en que nuestra psique termina por construir nuestros valores y acumulando las memorias que valoramos. No muy pronto después de eso nos fuimos y reubicamos al norte, pero yo siempre estaba anhelando regresar a Guadalajara, aborrecía Tamaulipas.
   Hace unos años volví a la escuela que solía atender, donde me gustaban 2 Claudias diferentes y una niña llamada Alicia quien me dio algunos recuerdos muy lindos y un motivo nostálgico para extrañar la ciudad, ella sigue siendo amiga ahora y tiene una bella familia.
   Pero una niña plebe distinta hizo una impresión duradera en esa banqueta y había estado pensando en ella cuando visité el edificio de mi viejo instituto 'Juan Ruiz de Alarcón' donde venden uniformes escolares ahora. Visité de nuevo hace un par de meses siguiendo las señales de mi diosa… estando parado justo ahí en la banqueta seguí pensando en sus palabras de una ocasión en la que pisé un insecto y ella, una desconocida, intervino quejándose de inmediato:
— ¿por qué lo matas? ¡ni te hizo nada! —
— perdón —
— no lo vuelvas a hacer ¿ok? —
— ok —

I don't even remember her face, much less her name, but it was a beautiful moment, one of my most precious childhood memories, standing there on the sidewalk I wished I could find her and show her my gratitude, but what I really wanted to find was a girl capable of that kindness and piety. Probably because I was going through one of those deep dark moments when I'm all like:
≠ I want to destroy everything! ≠
Ni siquiera recuerdo su cara, mucho menos su nombre, pero fue un momento bello, uno de mis más preciados recuerdos de la infancia, parado ahí en la banqueta desee que pudiera encontrarla y mostrarle mi agradecimiento, pero lo que realmente quería era encontrar a la niña capaz de esa amabilidad y piedad. Probablemente porque estaba pasando por uno de esos momentos turbiamente oscuros en los que ando bien así de:
≠ ¡Quiero destruirlo todo! ≠

And I need or want to have someone I can ask
« please convince me not to, please remind me why everything is beautiful »
Y necesito o quiero tener alguien a quien pueda pedir
« por favor convénceme de no hacerlo, por favor recuérdame por qué todo es bello »

Well… although when you own something you can do whatever you want with it, my personal feeling is that if I really did _need_ anyone to appreciate my cosmos… maybe I wouldn't deserve a damn thing coming from my own creation. Still, wanting something so basic and animal, wanting someone so complex and human, with such desire, can feel so close to an existencial need. And whenever I remember that look you gave me when I fell in love with you Ѯ, the day you found me taking care of and playing with the stray kitty, I thought you could be the one.
Bueno… aunque cuando te pertenece algo puedes hacer lo que quieras con ello, mi sentir personal es que si realmente _necesitara_ a quien sea para apreciar mi cosmos… tal vez no merecería una sola maldita cosa que viniera de mi propia creación. Aún así, querer algo tan básico y animal, querer a alguien tan compleja y humana, con tanto desea, puede sentirse tan cercano a una necesidad existencial. Y cuando sea que recuerdo la mirada que me diste cuando me enamoré de tí Ѯ, el día que me encontraste cuidando y jugando con un gatito callejero, pensé que podrías ser la indicada.

…æ

One of the hardest things in our atemporal relationship is that I enjoy being invisible so much I love it and hate proving my divinity, and she loves seeing proof of the divine. Her pleasure might even be connected to that.
Una de las cosas más difíciles en nuestra relación atemporal es que yo disfruto ser invisible tanto que lo amo y odio demostrar mi divinidad, y ella ama ver pruebas de lo divino. Su placer podría estar incluso conectado a eso.

Y lo que yo no me esperaba, es que no me liberaría a mí mismo hasta que lo admitiera públicamente, especialmente admitiendo también en público mi (⇨) más grande temor de toda la vida.
And what I didn't expect, is that I wouldn't liberate myself until I admitted that publicly, especially admitting too in public (⇨) the greatest fear from all of my life.

æ…
I will still probably disappear from the public eye one day,
after I fix society.
I'll be taking with me the people I love the most
and the people who love me the most.
That doesn't mean I will abandon the rest, we'll just be invisible.
Probablemente aun así desaparezca del ojo público un día,
después de que repare la sociedad.
Me llevaré a la gente que amo más
y la gente que me ama más.
Eso no significa que abandonaré al resto, sólo seremos invisibles.
…æ

Hija

Yesterday morning I was woken up receiving a call from some local number; when I answered the phone, there was a girl's voice crying and asking for her daddy.
Ayer por la mañana fui despertado al recibir una llamada de algún número local; cuando contesté el teléfono, había una voz de niña llorando y preguntando por su papi.
— ¿papá? … ¿papá? ¿papi?—
I was in shock, listening to the appalling texture of horror in her voice.
Yo estaba conmocionado, escuchando la desoladora textura de horror en su voz.
— ¿bueno? ¿hola? —
…they hanged up the phone… / …colgaron el teléfono…

I realized some criminals were taunting me because I shared my phone number defiantly, I was faced with a hard decision, yet necessary and just.
Entendí que algunos criminales me estaban cucando porque compartí mi número de teléfono de manera desafiante, estaba enfrente de una dura decisión, aunque necesaria y justa.

I rolled around on my bed, feeling like drowning, in pain, for the decision I was about to make.
Rodé por mi cama, sintiendo como si me ahogara, con dolor, por la decisión que estaba por hacer.
\ … Flamas … \
A feeling of rage kept growing as I confirmed my decision in all languages I could think about, invented for countries or for fiction all languages are real, so all of my warrior angels and demons understood the holy sentence.
Un sentimiento de rabia siguió creciendo al confirmar mi decisión en todos los lenguajes que pude pensar, inventados por países o por ficción todas las lenguas son reales, así que todos mis guerreros ángeles y demonios entendieron la santa sentencia.

∞ … ZERO mercy for kidnapers, no pity, no excuses … ∞

— FLAMAAAAS!!!! —
I released my rage screaming, the energy blast left me exhausted and I slept for a few hours more.
Solté mi rabia gritando, el golpe de energía me dejó exhausto y dormí por unas horas más.

Tears rolled over my face as I pronounced and now again as I write this, my face expression probably looks like that of a maniac right now, but they fucking deserve it. Recycle the damned.
Lágrimas rodaron por mi rostro al pronunciar y ahora otra vez al escribir esto, mi expresión facial probablemente parece la de un maniaco justo ahora, pero se lo merecen. Recicla los malditos.

No one ever said the apocalypse was going to be all about flowers, here are some more languages I searched in order to be able to pronounce them words:
Nadie dijo jamás que el apocalipsis serían puras flores, aquí hay algunas lenguas más que busqué para poder pronunciar sus palabras:
– Flames… Flamen… Dracarys… Flammae… Flares… 플레어 [peulleeo]
– Urulóki Valdra… Fişekleri… факелы [fakely]…
– гэрлэн [gerlen]… Fakkels… 喇叭裤 [Lǎbā kù]…
– フレア [furea]… Blossar… Feu…

æ… July 5 around 11pm / Julio 5 alrededor de las 11pm
I provoked another blackout on my neighborhood just by reading this words again.
Provoqué otro apagón en mi vecindario tan sólo por leer otra vez estas palabras. …æ

Killing can happen for many causes and I'll examine those further at its due time, but holding someone hostage in fear of their well being is impossible to do by accident, it has to be premeditated, planned and carried out over time, having more than plenty of opportunities to regret and atone before the crime against my creation is committed.
Matar puede pasar por muchas causas y esas las examinaré más en su debido tiempo, pero retener a alguien de rehén temeroso de su bienestar es imposible de hacer por accidente, tiene que ser premeditado, planeado y llevado a cabo a través del tiempo, teniendo más que repletas oportunidades para arrepentirse y enmendar antes de que el crimen contra mi creación sea cometido.

{ … Samael … }

Might not seem so but this decision comes from love, for the peace of humanity, love for our children.
Puede no parecer pero esta decisión viene de amor, por la paz de la humanidad, amor a nuestros críos.

So if you are a warrior angel, make sure everyone you know is notified about this commandment:
Entonces si eres ángel guerrero, asegura que todo quien conoces sea notificado de este mandamiento:

{ Kidnapers shall be burned alive }
◊ and Loki will ensure they go into oblivion ◊

{ Los secuestradores serán quemados vivos }
◊ y Loki asegurará que se sumerjan en oblivion ◊

This track was playing at the top of my rage just now. / Esta pista tocaba en la cúspide de mi rabia justo ahora.

Their offense added up to the psychological abuse I've been subject of, they knew Ѯ's birthday was coming and I had been thinking about her Daughter identity since I shared the singing story. I've suspected her dad possibly guided me to stumble upon her and kept whispering his love for her during my sleep. A thought I've had since I related her to Elena Tonra's voice back in 2012 or 2013. People visit me in my sleep all the time, their souls are alive, we all know they still live in a way.
Su ofensa se sumó al abuso psicológico al que he sido sujeto, sabían que el cumpleaños de Ѯ se acercaba y que yo había estado pensando en su identidad de hija (Daughter) desde que compartí la historia con canto. He sospechado que su padre posiblemente me guió a toparme con ella y siguió susurrando su amor a ella durante mi sueño. Un pensamiento que he tenido desde que la relacioné con la voz de Elena Tonra por allá de 2012 o 2013. La gente me visita mientras duermo todo el tiempo, sus almas están vivas, todos sabemos que aún viven de una manera.

æ≠

I don't care understand if she does not have the feelings I would love she had for me, I'll still bring the man back one day once the universe grants me the power, so she never spends another birthday without him. The same will apply to all just and loving, men and women.
Me importa poco es comprensible que no tenga los sentimientos que yo amaría que ella tuviese por mí, aún así traeré al hombre de vuelta un día ya que el universo me otorgue el poder, para que nunca vuelva a gastar otro cumpleaños sin él. Lo mismo aplicará para todos los justos y amorosos, hombres y mujeres.

≠æ

If you care about this, please share some words and include them in your prayers at least for today.
Si te importa esto, por favor comparte unas palabras e inclúyelos en tus plegarias al menos por hoy.

This melody was sent to help me feel a bit better.
Good day to all.
Esta melodía fue enviada para ayudarme a sentir un poco mejor.
Buen día a todos.

Pulso

Imagining a woman I like singing someone else’s chant is a heart warming habit I have, I think it makes my spirit breath in a bit of mana while I focus on the feeling rather than the words.
Imaginar una mujer que me gusta entonando un canto ajeno es un hábito reconfortante que tengo, creo que hace a mi espíritu respirar un poquito de maná mientras me enfoco en el sentir más que las palabras.

How would this sound with my voice for you? / ¿Como sonaría esto con mi voz para tí?

Once you pay attention or read the lyrics it works differently, I can either keep relating that song to the person I thought about initially or realize those words or the emotions conveyed fit better to someone else; even though the way people express their deep thoughts and sincere feelings is unique to each person, it’s sometimes inevitable to relate lyrics to someone/something personal; regardless of that voice being male or female.
Ya cuando pones atención o lees la letra funciona diferente, puedo ya sea seguir relacionando esa canción a la persona en que pensé inicialmente o caer en cuenta de que esas palabras o las emociones compuestas quedan mejor a alguien más; aunque la manera en que la gente expresa sus profundos pensamientos y sentimientos sinceros es única por persona, es a veces inevitable relacionar lírica a alguien/algo personal; sin importar si esa voz es masculina o femenina.

I was thinking about Ѯ the first time I listened to Elena Tonra’s voice. Now most of Daughter’s albums were removed from Mexico’s repertoire but back then, not sure if it was late 2012 or 2013, spotify had recently became available in México and I started to further explore music, everything was there.
Pensaba en Ѯ la primera vez que escuché la voz de Elena Tonra. Ahora la mayoría de los álbumes de Daughter fueron removidos del repertorio de México pero en aquel entonces, no estoy seguro si era finales de 2012 o 2013, spotify recién se había vuelto disponible en México y comencé a explorar más música, todo estaba ahí.

Seeing pictures of her with her niece and nephew after watching Daughter’s album cover got me again into daydreaming about having children at the time. I’ve noticed that my favorite photos of her are mostly the few ones she uploaded herself, as opposed to the ones where she was tagged in on the internet, her smile is just so radiant and she shows what she really cares about.
Ver fotos de ella con su sobrina y sobrino después de mirar la portada de album de Daughter me puso otra vez a disoñar sobre tener críos en aquel momento. He notado que mis fotos favoritas de ella son más bien las pocas que ella misma sube, contrario a las que fue etiquetada en internet, su sonrisa es simplemente tan radiante y luce lo que realmente le importa.

Heavenly. Can you blame me? / Celestial. ¿Pueden culparme?

Wondering how would her refreshing voice sound if she sang is another habit I've had since forever, maybe some of those brief blog posts she used to write?. I eventually read Daughter’s lyrics and was moved even deeper, and I also hoped she had never experienced such heart break as was reflected in some of those songs.
Marlumbrar cómo sonaría su refrescante voz si cantara es otro hábito que he tenido desde siempre ¿tal vez alguna de esas breves entradas de blog que ella solía escribir?. Eventualmente leí las letras de Daughter y fui conmovido aun más profundo, también esperancé que ella nunca hubiera experimentado tal coraruptura como se reflejó en algunas de esas canciones.

As time and life went on for all of us, I sometimes noticed new photos popping up on her facebook profile, her smile appearing a bit tainted, there were a couple of particular pictures that disturbed me, I prefer not to attach them here. It’s no secret that micro-expressions speak very loud about what is going on inside someone’s heart.
A como tiempo y vida continuó para todos nosotros, yo a veces noté nuevas fotos apareciendo en su perfil de facebook, su sonrisa aparentando un poco mancillada, hubo un par de fotos en particular que me perturbaron, prefiero no añadirlas aquí. No es secreto que las micro-expresiones hablan muy recio de lo que pasa dentro del corazón de alguien.

I love this one. / Esta la amo.

Cosmos, I wish for that pre-2012 Sunshine smile to be back on her face and soul, I will play my part into making it true, whatever the cost.

Cosmos, deseo que esa sonrisa Solar pre-2012 vuelva a su rostro y alma, jugaré mi parte en hacer que se vuelva realidad, a cualquier costo.

I don’t remember seeing miss Tonra’s picture until recently. This particular still, used as cover, made my spirit itch: something I couldn’t scratch at first but I was sure I’d seen that poignant contemplation on someone else’s pretty face before… many years ago:

No recuerdo haber visto foto de la Srita. Tonra hasta reciente. Este particular fotograma, usado como portada, causó comezón a mi espíritu: algo que no pude rascar al principio pero estaba seguro de que había visto esa compungida contemplación antes en la bonita cara de alguien más… hace muchos años:

As I played the concert recording, it came back to me; she even looks a bit similar to the girl she triggered in my memories, the way her mouth seems to be highlighted in a parenthesis shape traced by the gravity force of her cheeks makes you think she’s about to trust you with all of the vital secrets her soul is asking to eject with sincere pronunciation.
Al reproducir la grabación del concierto, volvió a mí; ella incluso se parece un poco a la niña que activó en mis memorias, la manera en que su boca parece estar resaltada en forma de paréntesis trazado por la fuerza de gravedad de sus mejillas te hace pensar que está a punto de confiarte todos los secretos vitales que su alma está pidiendo expulsar con sincera pronunciación.

ƒ … the quirky girl with witty taste in films, she could rent 3 movies more than 3 times per week and compared my poetry to some famous dude the day she finally made more than 3 phrases of conversation, to let me know she had been digging into me… a marvelous way to sweep aside the broken ice after almost one year of visiting the video store religiously. She proceeded to let me know she’d be attending the 2009 film fest and insisted she hoped to see me there; I was already going and watched a few more movies and we didn't stumble but that was the week the butterfly revival happened.

ƒ … la niña peculiar con ingenioso gusto en filmes, podía rentar 3 películas más de 3 veces por semana y comparó mi poesía a la de algún vato famoso el día que finalmente hizo más de 3 frases de conversación, para dejarme saber que anduvo indagando en mí… una maravillosa manera de barrer a un lado el hielo roto después de casi un año de visitar religiosamente la tienda de video. Prosiguió a dejarme saber que estaría asistiendo al festival de cine 2009 e insistió que esperaba verme ahí; yo ya estaba yendo y miré algunas películas más y no nos topamos pero esa fue la semana que la resucitación de mariposa ocurrió.

Considering I had felt like this since 2008's spring, that was a huge improvement.
Considerando que me había sentido así desde primavera 2008, fue una enorme mejora.

She visited so often I begun to expect seeing her clumsy pretty figure walking among the shelf corridors and her eyes on me as part of my day and started to miss her whenever she didn’t show up: anticipation of seeing her orange car arriving grew to the point I desired to see her every single day and I’d stare at the window wondering if she would be wearing her glasses or a clear face when she entered the store.
Ella visitaba tan seguido que comencé a esperar ver su bella torpe figura caminando entre los pasillos de repisas y sus ojos sobre mí como parte de mi día y comencé a extrañarle cuando sea que no aparecía, la anticipación de ver su auto naranja llegar creció al punto que deseaba verle en todo día y visfijaba por la ventana maravillando si ella usaría sus lentes o una cara despejada cuando entrara a la tienda.

And those shy glances she couldn’t help throwing at me while shuffling empty movie boxes searching for something that stimulated her imagination, morphed from funny to captivating to exhilarating and the day felt incomplete without her visit; a feeling that took months to gestate.
Y esas miradillas tímidas que ella no podía evitar echar sobre mí mientras barajaba las vacías cajas de películas buscando algo que estimulara su imaginación, transformaron de chistosas a cautivadoras a exhilarantes y el día se sentía incompleto sin su visita; un sentimiento que tomó meses en gestar.

The one girl that showed me her interest consistently for almost a year and surrounded me in such a romantic atmosphere at her home since our first date that I fooled myself into thinking that she was meant to stay, the first girl I kissed…

La niña que me mostró su interés consistente por casi un año y me envolvió en tan romántica atmósfera en su hogar desde nuestra primer cita que me engañé a pensar que significaba su permanencia, la primer niña que besé…

≈ . ≈ . ≈ …

— estoy un poco nervioso — such an understatement / tan atenuante enunciado
— ¿por qué? —
We were listening to some playlist she made, sitting at her home’s backyard on separate metal chairs after spending the evening sharing crêpes and smoothies at a restaurant where the waiters were friendly and the atmosphere was cozy.
Escuchábamos alguna lista musical que ella hizo, sentados en el patio trasero de su hogar en sillas metálicas separadas después de pasar la tarde compartiendo crepas y batidos en un restaurante donde los meseros son amigables y la atmósfera es acogedora.

≈≈≈…

There were "normal" tables and alternative floor level seating spots with cushions, the walls had spray painted designs and customers were welcomed to draw on some walls.
Había mesas “normales” y lugares de asiento alternativos a nivel del piso con cojines, las paredes tenían diseños pintados con pintura de atomizador y los clientes eran bienvenidos a dibujar en algunas paredes.

Pictures from actual restaurant’s menu / Fotos del menú del restaurante en sí

A screen was playing one of her favorite movies ‘The Triplets of Belleville’ in the background, she also confessed ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’ was another one of her favorite movies. Everything about her seemed wonderful to me, it's no surprise I was predisposed; I mean, this was the girl who had a months long crush on me, if I went into the records today I could still quickly calculate how much money she spent renting movies, and there she was opening her heart to me.
Una pantalla reproducía una de sus películas favoritas ‘ˆLas Trillizas de Bellevilleˆ’ en el fondo, ella también confesó que ‘ˆEl Diario de Bridget Jonesˆ’ era una de sus películas favoritas. Todo sobre ella me parecía maravilloso, no es sorpresa que estuviera predispuesto; es decir, esta era la niña quien tenía una fijación en mí de largos meses, si fuera a los registros hoy podría aún calcular cuanto dinero gastó rentando pelis, y ahí estaba abriendo su corazón a mí.

Adorable.

I’m not sure if the atmosphere had the effect of inducing people to be more intimate, it felt like it, or maybe she really wanted to start a relationship with a transparency approach; she interrogated me a bit too, told me she was glad I didn’t use drugs as all the other "cool kids" around us did, jeez, well I smoke a bit now. She cared because someone close to her was addicted to something and she had seen her going in and out of rehab.
   Her conversation showed she was aware of her role in being partly responsible for the happiness of her close family and some of her friends, I liked that fact a lot, such a kind woman.
No estoy seguro si la atmósfera tenía el efecto de inducir a la gente a ser más íntimos, así se sintió, o tal vez ella realmente quería iniciar una relación con un acercamiento de transparencia; también me interrogó un poquito, me dijo que le daba gusto que yo no usaba drogas como todos los demás “chicos cool” a nuestro rededor lo hacían, chale, bueno ahora fumo un poco. Le importaba porque alguien cercana a ella era adicta a algo y ella le había visto entrar y salir de rehabilitación.
   Su conversación mostraba que ella estaba consciente de su rol en ser parcialmente responsable de la felicidad de su familia cercana y algunos de sus amigos, ese factor me gustó mucho, tan tierna mujer.

At some point she said something about her bedroom.
En cierto punto ella dijo algo acerca de su recámara.
— me gustaría verla — I flirted / Coqueteé
— al rato te la muestro —
She countered, adding a heavenly smile. / Contraatacó, añadiendo una sonrisa celestial.

I was smacked by her boldness and asked for the bill very soon after. On top of that, she offered to pay for her part… you magical independent sexy you-you, illuminating women and being re§created by thüs.
Fui abofeteado por su osadía y pedí la cuenta muy pronto después. Encima de eso, ella ofreció pagar por su parte… tú tan mágica tú independiente sexy tú, iluminando mujeres y siendo re§creada por nüsotros.

…≈≈≈

That’s how we got to where I started the kiss story. A yard table served as a pretext to face each other in a convenient angle, the air smelled to end of summer rain, she crossed a leg in a way her new posture brought her blushing face closer to me, and she was playing with her loose shoe in the air.
Así fue como llegamos a donde comencé la historia del beso. Una mesa de patio servía de pretexto para estar de cara en ángulo conveniente, el aire olía a final de lluvia de verano, cruzó una pierna de manera que su nueva postura trajo su cara sonrojada más cerca de mí, y jugaba con su zapato suelto al aire.

— nunca he hecho esto —
I was starting to take off the confidence mask I wore.
Comenzaba a desvestir la máscara de confianza que yo usaba.
— hecho qué… ¿? — she smiled innocently / sonrió inocente

Her eyes vacillated and I felt good with one foot into vulnerability.
Sus ojos vacilaron y yo me sentí bien con un pie en la vulnerabilidad.
— bueno, no me refiero a lo que estamos haciendo, sino a lo que quiero hacer —
I leaned in a bit…
Me incliné un poco…
She leaned a bit too…
Ella se inclinó un poco también…
— ¿qué quieres hacer? —

Ø

Ø

— esto —
Reached and kissed her for so long I forgot my need of air.
Le alcancé y besé tan largo tiempo que olvidé mi necesidad de aire.

She grabbed my hand and pulled me to the living room where the music sounded better and started to dance with her arms around my neck resting on my shoulders and swaying her hips slowly, I was helpless and let her lead trying not to break the mood, she seemed prepared an wanted to be in control.
Ella tomó mi mano y me jaló a la sala donde la música sonaba mejor y comenzó a bailar con sus brazos en torno a mi cuello descansados sobre mis hombros y meneando sus caderas lento, yo estaba indefenso y la dejé guiar intentando no romper la atmósfera, ella parecía preparada y quería estar en control.

She gave me a series of fast short kisses.
Me dio una serie de rápidos besos cortos.
— ¿te gusta? —
— uy, claro que sí —
— les llamo micro besitos — so adorable! / ¡tan adorable!

She continued to deliver her majestic “micro besitos” while we danced for a couple more songs and barely talked 10 words, then she had to fix some issue with her portable mp3 player or the speakers, her arms felt like home and I missed home for the brief time she was away, then she came back to my arms and we danced some more, the device misbehaved a few more times but it didn't matter, it just gave us a pretext to bond in a different way.
Continuó entregando sus majestuosos “micro besitos” mientras bailamos un par de canciones más y apenas hablamos 10 palabras, luego tuvo que arreglar algún problema con su reproductor portátil de mp3 o las bocinas, sus brazos se sentían como el hogar y extrañé el hogar por el breve tiempo que ella estuvo lejos, luego volvió a mis brazos y bailamos un poco más, el aparato se malportó algunas veces más pero no importó, tan solo nos dio un pretexto para enlazarnos de diferente manera.

I knew I was in love
       at the time she came back
               to my arms.

Supe que estaba enamorado
       al tiempo que ella volvió
               a mis brazos.

She offered water and we went to the couch.
Ella ofreció agua y nos fuimos al sillón.
— gracias —
— ¿por el agua? —
— sí bueno, es que… me tratas bien bonito, ¿me das más agua? —
— me gustas mucho, sí se nota, ¿verdad? ¿a poco hay alguien que rente más películas que yo? —
— ni se te acercan, además rentas puras cosas bien padres, y tienes gustos amplios —
She arrived with another glass of fresh water, I don’t remember if sitting her on my legs was her own impulse or mine, I just remember I started to wonder if she was my oasis I had written about.
Ella llegó con otro vaso de fresca agua, no recuerdo si sentarla sobre mis piernas fue su propio impulso o el mío, tan solo recuerdo que comencé a marlumbrar si ella era mi oasis del cual había escrito.

— wow qué bonita piel tienes — such an understatement / tan atenuante enunciado
As my hands caressed her thighs and butt and my eyes tried to connect with hers, she was humping me and shaking her hips going incrementally wilder, then started to undress and I started to balance on the fine rope between panic and excitement.
Al tiempo que mis manos acariciaban sus muslos y trasero, y mis ojos intentaban conectar con los suyos, ella jorobaba en mí y sacudía sus caderas yendo incrementalmente salvaje, luego comenzó a desvestirse y yo comencé a balancear en la fina cuerda entre pánico y excitación.

She loosened the upper part of her dress, I hugged her tight, kissed her skin and lingered on that hug, not being sure about how far I was ready to go.
Se soltó la parte superior de su vestido, la abracé apretada, besé su piel y permanecí en ese abrazo, no estando seguro de qué tan lejos estaba listo para ir.
— qué pasa ¿estás bien? — she held my face towards hers / sostuvo mi rostro hacia el suyo
— sí, dame más micro besitos — she delivered / cumplió
I have no idea how I managed to remove her bra with no effort; I was predictably mesmerized by the sight of her breasts, petal nipples and all of the details and texture of her perfect skin.
No tengo idea de cómo logré remover su bra sin esfuerzo; fui predeciblemente mesmerizado por la vista de sus pechos, pezones en pétalo y todos los detalles y textura de su perfecta piel.

Using extravagant words to over-romantasize her body would be a disrespect to nature, in reality we animals keep it simple: in moments like this…

Usar palabras extravagantes para sobre-romantizar su cuerpo sería un desacato a la naturaleza, en realidad nosotros animales lo mantenemos simple: en momentos como este…

…what raptured my attention, clouded my reason, stirred my emotions and heightened my sensational feelings was how healthy you were… the soft sexy curves of your nearly fatty plumpy figure, all of the fresh smells of your young body, and your excited reciprocity to my presence displayed on your face expressions accentuated by those bewildered olive eyes of yours.
…lo que arrobó mi atención, nubló mi razón, revolvió mis emociones y realzó mis sentimientos sensacionales fue cuán saludable eras… las suaves curvas sexis de tu casi gordita figura rechonchita, todos los frescos aromas de tu cuerpo joven, y tu excitada reciprocidad a mi presencia mostrada por tus expresiones faciales acentuadas por esos aturrullados ojos oliva tuyos.

You stood to remove your panties but I was faster to put my hands on those…
Te paraste para remover tus pantis pero yo fui más rápido al poner mis manos en esas…

…you closed your eyes and moaned a bit while I removed them, feeling your exquisite legs from your tasty chubby hips to your delicate feet.
…cerraste tus ojos y gemiste poquito mientras las removí, sintiendo tus exquisitas piernas desde tus gordisabrosas caderas hasta tus delicados pies.

It’s amazing how writing about it made me relive how unrealistically beautiful you looked with your dress barely hanging at the waist, I think I actually remember its color, yellow, thick cotton.
Es asombroso cómo escribir al respecto me revivió cuán irrealmente hermosa te veías con tu vestido apenas colgando a la cadera, creo que recuerdo su color, amarillo, algodón grueso.

I took your standing as an opportunity to change your position, sideways on top of my lap, holding your back with one arm so I could kiss you while touching all of your delicious soft body.
Tomé tu levantar como una oportunidad para cambiar tu posición, de lado sobre mi regazo, sosteniendo tu espalda con un brazo para poderte besar mientras tocaba todo tu delicioso suave cuerpo.

The sensation of
a naked beauty embrace
getting warmer
steamier and wetter
demanding pleasure
has ever since been for me
better than dream revelation

La sensación de
una desnuda belleza abrazada
poniéndose más tibia
más vaporosa y húmeda
demandando placer
ha sido desde entonces para mí
mejor que revelación en sueño

Somehow I ended on my knees. I went from absolute celibate to kissing to hands to fingers to vagina kissing probably in a one hour span with the woman I found most desirable in the world at that time, and oh my goddess I loved it! and we were not nearly over.
De alguna manera terminé en mis rodillas. Pasé de absolutamente célibe a besos a manos a dedos a besar vagina probablemente en un lapso de una hora con la mujer que encontraba más deseable en el mundo en ese tiempo, y oh mi diosa ¡me encantó! y no estábamos cerca de haber terminado.

— hace rato dijiste que me ibas a enseñar tu cuarto —
— no sé, sí, es un desastre déjame limpiar —
— si quieres ¿qué tan mal puede estar? ni de chiste me voy a espantar —

She took like 30 seconds before letting me in, so I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.
Le tomó como 30 segundos antes de dejarme entrar, así que seguro no estaba tan mal.

Her room was very small yet pretty, there were many creative stuff decorating; and books, of course. But the jewelry she was making to sell and for her loved ones stood out. Her kindness quality stood up.
Su cuarto era chiquito aunque bonito, había muchas cosas creativas decorando; y libros, por supuesto. Pero la joyería que hacía para vender y para sus seres queridos resaltaba. Su cualidad gentil se elevaba.

Time wasn't exactly a concern but we wouldn't spend much talking: our chemistry was such and her multiple rich bodily scents kept the animal engaged. Ah… magical delicious you.
El tiempo no concernía exactamente pero no gastamos mucho hablando: nuestra química era tal y sus múltiples ricas esencias corporales sostuvieron enganchado al animal. Ah… mágica deliciosa tú.

We made out in bed a while longer and I flowed naturally to drink from her seashell again, on my knees embracing her cushioned ass; feeling the terse skin of her hot thighs around my face obsessed me…
Fajamos en su cama un rato más y flui naturalmente a beber su concha de nuevo, de rodillas abrazando su amortiguado culo; sentir la tersa piel de sus calientes muslos al rededor de mi cara me obsesionó…

…wrapped by your sensuality. We suddenly realized we had caught the attention of her kitty who started to fool around as if he wanted to be included in our loving session; he was eventually dispatched by her, it wasn’t bothering me, wasn’t even paying attention to it, it was a bit funny.
…envuelto por tu sensualidad. De pronto caímos en cuenta de que habíamos atrapado la atención de su gatito quien comenzó a juguetear como si quisiera unirse a nuestra sesión amorosa. Eventualmente fue despachado por ella, a mí no me molestaba, ni siquiera le estaba prestando atención, fue chistosillo.

— ya te cansaste ¿verdad? —
— un poquito, pero me encantas, no quiero parar —
I was emotionally exhausted.
Yo estaba emocionalmente exhausto.
— vente, luego seguimos — pulled me to her bed / me jaló a su cama
So now I laid resting beside her, she played a bit with my face.
Ahora yacía descansando junto a ella, jugó con mi rostro un poquito.
— ¿me puedo quedar a dormir? —
We barely fit her bed, just being there was delightful.
Apenas cabíamos en su cama, tan solo estar ahí era deleitoso.
— mmm µ bueno µ mi mamá no va a llegar hasta… —

I used to dream often about sleeping together with a loving woman as much as I dreamed about sex…
Yo solía soñar seguido con dormir juntos con una amorosa mujer tanto igual como soñaba con sexo…

…it was an unfulfilled fantasy and it still is one of my favorite things to do in all of space-time.
…era una fantasía incumplida y aún es una de mis cosas favoritas para hacer en todo el espacio-tiempo.

Watching her breath in and being welcomed in her sleep was superb.
Mirarla respirar y ser bienvenido en su dormir fue superior.

I knew I wanted to love her forever
     by the time I woke up before dawn…
           saw her dreaming next to me and hugged her
                 before going back to sleep.

Supe que quería amarla para siempre
     para cuando desperté antes del amanecer…
           la vi soñando junto a mí y la abracé
                 antes de volver a dormir.

I just didn’t realize that was going to become a problem.
Yo tan solo no caí en cuenta de que eso se convertiría en un problema.

… ≈ . ≈ . ≈

I’m writing about her because my heart asked for it after the cosmos had been hinting that it wasn’t fair nor kind to mention her so briefly as my first romance and then to dismiss her just as being a coward character.
Estoy escribiendo sobre ella porque mi corazón lo pidió después de que el cosmos estuvo sugiriendo que no fue grato ni gentil mencionarla tan brevemente como mi primer romance y luego desecharla como si tan solo fuera un personaje cobarde.

As short as our time together might have been, she was so much more meaningful to me than I cared to admit, and she was actually a great woman.

Por más corto que nuestro tiempo juntos pueda haber sido, ella fue mucho más significativa para mí de lo que admití, y era ciertamente una mujer grandiosa.

…æ 13,862,217,519.03.11

I had been avoiding to mention it: but I've been noticing signs of your atemporal presence here and there,, and every time I go for a walk I see a compact car passing by, in the same orange tone of that one you had, always the same car,, one time, recently arrived to this neighborhood, they waved hello…
Había estado evitando mencionarlo: pero he estado notando señales de tu presencia atemporal aquí y allá,, y cada vez que salgo a caminar veo pasar un auto compacto, en el mismo tono naranja de aquel que tenías, siempre el mismo auto,, una vez, recién llegado a esta colonia, me saludaron…

…æ

One deeply charming factor of dating ‘ƒ’ was that even when we didn’t go all the way on our first night, felt as if she thought we would have all the time in the world for anything later [and we did, didn't we?]. We had a nice hot romantic time and she wasn’t in a hurry to fuck. A bit awkwardly but we did it later.

I didn’t stay “a virgin” that long because religious ideas but because I was looking for real love for so long that I wouldn’t just do it with any random date, and I feel a bit like a virgin every time I start a new relationship.
I can’t help to make a grimace remembering how furious ‘ɣ’ got when she found out Mr. Virgin didn’t think she loved him, and I put a stop to our mutual advances, pushing her gently away from bed on a valentine’s day, Շ would confirm I was right, she wasn’t close to loving me after months of an open relafriendship and my 2 attempts to kiss her and my attempts to keep her away from me.

Just like ‘ɣ’ and all other women I ever dated, ‘ƒ’ never asked if I was a virgin and I wasn’t sure I wanted to explain how come I was new at sex.
   That would mean telling the stories of the ones who were close to have me, some of which I still keep somewhere in my heart; Yes including you, the mischievous one who liked to hug me as a pretext to grab my butt in public, whom also jumped on top of me on a couch and kept sending facebook pokes after leaving the country.
   Or going over the stories of how I had to develop a skill to evade girls holding quick n’ easy intentions but no love, chasing after me in college because teachers liked me and they used to tell female students I was ¨a good catch¨ [the fish comparisons go on] right in front of me, at the cost of my invisible cringe:
   The smart and seemingly talented guy will surely have a bright future to share, right? Ha! we didn’t have any idea of the "mechanisms" keeping me just barely above the poverty line, I absolutely _HATE_ being looked at as some sort of acquisition: anyone not able to engage the soul in, behind, on front of and around my eyes… won’t be able to engage with my love. I suppose it was a good thing that I "decided" to become fairly wealthy before having any children since I was a child myself, and more importantly, to surround myself with real love.

When ƒ and I had our second date, there was something in the air interfering already but I didn’t pay much attention to it, was that a mistake? maybe, but it was barely noticeable. Her sister was home, hmm whatever, I won’t blame 2009 Jorge for not wanting to worry. It was our first date what was most important to me so I’ll leave this story there.

Even when ƒ didn’t answer the phone and then completely shut me out after one single call she answered just to leave my mind throttling with a few ambiguous phrases she threw at me before hanging up, I can no longer blame her considering how heavily under surveillance I’ve been since I was born.
   It is hard to evaluate how much and in what ways Sisyphus might have influenced my angels’ lives. She had the decency to end it in person many days later when it was already obvious it was over:
She arrived in her orange car and I knew what was coming, I went outside to the parking lot and just allowed her to talk while feeling numb and guilty for not telling her I was inexperienced; she wasn’t explaining anything.

Regretting letting her know I was in love by gifting her a silly poem days before was… I… as if that had anything to do with what was going on… she didn’t say much at all so I still didn’t understand what went SO WRONG she didn’t want to know anything about me anymore.
I felt heart broken of _abysmal_ degree, I had to tell her to get rid of this feeling of dishonesty, someone had to start clearing things out, so I did:
— lo siento tal vez me enamoré muy rápido, me siento muy mal, solo para que lo sepas, fue mi primera vez, por eso me puse así medio intenso con todas esas llamadas —
— ay ¡¿por qué no me dijiste?! que importa no es eso, ay no vas a entender, mejor lo dejamos así —
— ya, está bien, adiós, ni creas que me vas a ver toda la vida trabajando aquí — I felt little and wanted to run away

As much as I tried to pay attention I lost interest when I saw she had her mind made up, I’m sure I don’t remember well our exact words, I just wanted her to… I don’t know, to tell me she was sorry for pushing me away? to tell me she needed help? to tell me the truth! to grab and force my hands into holding her face not allowing me to walk back to work? yeah, something like that… but she didn’t want me to touch her or even come closer than a couple meters apart.

I’ve been thinking if she might have been right to be afraid and I didn’t understand what she was going through… nah, I don’t know.
   I’m not a hundred percent sure but I’m good at detecting when someone is scared, it just seemed as if she had heard something disgusting about me, there’s a difference, and for some reason she believed it; the not-wanting-me-near was a telltale sign. Whatever the case I felt right becoming angry after days of crying sad, I called λ one of those days and she noticed something was up with my voice, I didn’t explain a thing, guess I only made her worry:
⇜ te escuchas raro, ¿cómo estás tú? ⇝
— no me siento bien, pero se me va a pasar, espero… necesitaba escuchar tu voz porque me calma, platícame algo porfa—

…that phone call was the last time I heard λ’s voice…

I once told λ I suspected my heart was made of obsidian.

ƒ contacted me over chat days later and kept going in circles, I lost my patience and don’t remember well what I told her to paint my character black and definitely push her away, something about Dexter and serial killers, it was really dumb.

Months later, some of my friends took me to a party that turned out to be happening at ƒ’s parents’, I kinda felt like an intruder being there, but the memories kept me wishing she showed up, she was not around or who knows, maybe she hid at the sight of me.
   A group of women having a conversation and laughing around her parent’s table attracted me to stay and listen, I tried to introduce myself but they couldn’t care less about me, they didn’t even pretend. I stayed anyway, noticed the "alpha" status was attained by whomever was the more skilled female at wrapping sadness with charming paper and dismissing men; cynicism, sarcasm, pessimism, "badassery", superfluous views of "winning" in relationships and competition for higher ground dominated… I left the room wondering if they were friends with ƒ wishing they were not, but I knew for a fact at least one of them was.

I spent the rest of the evening at the place she gave me her last fond kiss, where I also gave her that silly poem I wrote making sure it rhymed, inspired by the 3 lovely words that built her name, it sounded so over-the-top corny while reading it haha.
   So there I was on the porch just above the entrance stairs, disconnected from everyone, hesitating about leaving the party without telling anyone, as it has been my specialty since college. Walking or driving alone -specially at night- is a practice to clear my mind and digest where I’m heading for.

I don’t disappear to play mr. interesting but because I find it rude to tell a bunch of fun-having people that I need to be alone away from them. But the thought of that being possibly the last occasion I’d be close to her kept me there, contemplating the space around and the space above, memorizing without trying and staring at the horizon at times.

There were people occupying the wall/bench where her memory sat barefoot petting her cat, talking about architecture and later reading some book and smiling at me while I left in the morning after sleeping together our first night.

.
.
.

She had stopped renting films almost entirely since the break up, it seemed as if she knew when I wasn’t working, I stumbled upon her 3 or more times visiting work on my rest day.
The few times I stumbled upon her again there and elsewhere, I would cordially say hello but she had a look on her face that I wasn’t sure how to interpret; resembling a mixture of regret, nostalgia, frustration and hesitation, and then she just minded her own business.

However, she did attend to my farewell special movie projection night more than a year later: half a year after Ѯ left town [just days after I fell for her], after ∆ and others; when I announced I was leaving Videodromo and moving to Guadalajara in late 2010.

After the film, she gave me that look again for a microsecond and then sneaked out.
— gracias por venir — I shouted breaking the conversation I was having with a group of friends, I’m not sure if she heard me as she exit the room.

That look on ƒ ’s face combined with some appearances by her sister made me wonder maybe her sister had something to do with the drama; considering she displayed symptoms of having a crush on me too.
   She even visited the store playing mysterious once, hinting some storyline in relation to a movie called ‘Wicker Park’ which I later watched to find out the plot involves some lady making serious efforts to keep two lovers apart so she might have a chance to win the affection of the protagonist. She said her favorite character was Rose Byrne’s and then left the store;
Byrne’s character named Alex, the deluded obsessed trouble maker. I didn’t know what to think… maybe she had heard that I like being stalked by girls before being approached or maybe she was trying to help, hinting someone else told her sister lies… I had been frequently betrayed before, it wasn’t by any means the first time someone poisoned the mind of someone I cared about, -god!- but this was a whole new level of life messing for me.
Being stalked is kinda sweet, being sabotaged like that is horribly hurtful; isn’t that obvious?

I love love loooove the ending meeting.

All of that drama made me remember there have been a few apologetic messages popping up from songs every once in a while, the most vibrant came from a song all I remember about is that it says "I lied and said that you were mine". Was this person the one warping time around me preventing me from meeting Ѯ? Their power is under control now. I’ll post the link here whenever it comes up again.

Found it, hmm… isn’t it the same video from the pic of my desk I took the other day?

Past events had shown me just how dangerous it is to let people influence the perception of you, the closer a person is to you the more damage they can do. And recent events have shown me how family can more easily influence your life and decisions in disastrous ways, specially if there was premeditation. Family is supposed to want the best for you but individuals tend to be selfish. The way we act or react to their opinions and "plans" is our own responsibility, we are the ones that will ultimately live with the consequences.
   Anyways, how could I know her sister’s intentions? it felt like there was not much to be gained in clarifying the mystery after so many months of not knowing a thing from her in person, and I knew she loved her sister, didn’t want to ruin their relationship. Plus, I was already into other women; had met Ѯ, was occasionally reading her blog, ‘Թ’ and I always answered each other’s calls to hang out and went through a relationship with ‘∆’.

This movie comes to mind whenever I think of finding lost love… huh, bruises.

Today I realized I haven’t actually watched the triplets movie, probably because I didn’t want to spend 80mins thinking about heartbreak in the back of my mind, I know it might be silly but I would only watch that movie in company of her if we ever get to be friends again, or in company of someone who loves me deeply and I love back, so ƒ’s ghost of the past wouldn’t be able to be spawned, fades away forever and the film becomes enjoyable.

People enter and leave our lives but their impressions remain, I couldn’t help to relate Mint Julep to ƒ every time I’d watch this video, I’ve recently wondered if her trans-temporal self was waving hello when it arrived to me in 2012; hinting she knew I was in love with the sea, requesting not to be forgotten.

The universe protects me from
everything but my own
drive to experience humanity.

Wounds heal
writing about it helps for me.
This one is coming along.